I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
