i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
