im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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