i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize