Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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