Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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