I think my fart just growled at me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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