Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
