New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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