The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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