I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She swung at the pinata with crutches
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
