PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
