When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
