PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
