omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
