can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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