There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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