Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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