After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
