In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I am naked and annoyed.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
