Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
