i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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