just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
