You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
