Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
only if we run a train.
done.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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