Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
