He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
