Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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