i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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