My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love having hate sex.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
