I wish my penis had an off switch
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
