I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
