Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize