she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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