i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize