My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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