I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
