Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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