Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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