I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
