No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
