SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
