Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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