sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
