i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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