She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
