I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize