omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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