Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
