An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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