One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
