I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
