if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize