Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
