Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Two words: blizzard sex
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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