life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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