I want to make a zoo with you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
