Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
